klaus and sunny

2009-06-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

Confused in Tribeca Asks:

Ok so my friend "Karot" has quite the romantic tangle--she has been dating bachelor #1 but in the interim has been hooking up with bachelor #2 (who is also a year-long friend and confidant), unfortunately, also a friend of bachelor # 1; however she is not a bad person--bachelor # 1 is a commitment phobe who has not commited to this girl in over 3 months and now he is going away for 5 weeks and when he gets back she does not expect him to be exclusive. However, bachelor #2 while a singleton in avoiwed diiscourse, she believes him to be able to commit to the right girl. They have known each other for over a year with him displaying respectful behavior to her for all of that time but has dated her friends in the interim and not been so kind. Can we trust bachelor #2? especially keeping in mind the beauty of our heroine? do help us.

Dear Confused,

Hmmm. I have a strong suspicion you were drunk when you emailed this question. Okay, just first of all: Karot? That's weird. This is like one of those LSAT logic games.

A school teacher must schedule seven sessions, which are abbreviated M, N, O, P, S, T, and U, during a day. Seven different consecutive time periods are available for the sessions, and are numbered one through seven in the order that they occur. Only one session can be schedules for each period. The assignment of the sessions to the periods is subject to the following restrictions:
M and O must occupy consecutive periods.
M must be scheduled for an earlier period than U.
O must be scheduled for a later period than S.
If S does not occupy the fourth period, then P must occupy the fourth period.
U and T cannot occupy consecutively numbered periods.

1.Which of the following could be a possible list of the sessions in the order that they are scheduled during the day?
(A) MOPSTNU
(B) NTMSOUP
(C) SMOPTNU
(D) SOMPUTN
(E) STOMPUN

My answer is (F) UGGHHH

We all know she's asking about Mitt Romney

2009-06-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

VA Asks:

I have a crush on a much older, Mormon man. i would convert! he is a great guy - former successful business man and now a political leader. only problem is he is married. should i go for it?

Dear VA,

Another question I am highly qualified to answer! It's almost as if I solicited these questions from friends and family...Anywayz, by way of answering your excellent question, VA, let me tell you a story.

In early 2002, The New Yorker ran a pretty amazing story about the Mormon church. My friend Reba and I were basically obsessed with it: tracking down secret Mormon underpants, reading Fawn Brodie's definitive biography of Joseph Smith, and just generally freaking out about how bonkers Mormons are. In unrelated news, I had just broken up with my long-term live in boyfriend and had moved to Boston to attend college.

It was while I was in college that I developed my first real crush on somebody besides my former boyfriend. The new guy was super cute, from Wyoming, wore cowboy boots, read Hemingway, studied film, etc. After a semester of socially awkward, mildly autistic flirting, we finally started dating. And wouldn't you know? He was a Mormon.

Let me tell you, VA; it did not work out. When I first found out about his religion I rattled off all the facts I knew about Mormonism and none of them were good. I had 'researched' only the weird crazy parts of the faith, like the Mountain Meadows Massacre (where-in Mormons dressed as Native Americans and slaughtered a whole bunch of settlers), and the new guy was NOT impressed. But the final straw came when we visited the Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology in Boston. This is one of my favorite, favorite museums of natural history because it is small, and dark, and kind of dusty and reminds me of The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. But gosh, it was a bad choice for a date with a Mormon. We had an unfortunate conversation about evolution in which I asked, perhaps callously, "I mean, you don't actually think the earth is only 6,000 years old, do you?"

His answer was, "Well, not 6,000 HUMAN years."

Then I felt the slow creep of terrible embarrassment. This was a bad idea. It wasn't going to work out. I broke up with him days later. He told me I broke his heart (we only dated for like a month and a half!) and then gave me two extra tickets to my college graduation, which actually worked out really well because Reba and Alex got to come and that was fun, but still, you know, I felt bad.

So, I mean, if you are a better, more tolerant person than I am, I say- go for it. Mormons don't have a problem with plural marriage, right? I know. I've seen Big Love.

Money Trouble

2009-06-03T13:04:00.001-07:00

From Anonymous:

What do you do when you can't afford to pay the check but are staying with family who pays for everything and its starting to get awkward?

Dear Anonymous,

I am highly qualified to answer this question, as I never, ever, have any money. On many occasions I've had to run out of the house with only my small, owl-shaped piggy bank. I then (much to the embarrassment of my companions) open it up, pour out a mound of change, and count out enough quarters and dimes to buy a falafel platter. You would think that at this point one of my embarrassed companions would offer to just pay for me but that never happens. And the reason that never happens is because we live in New York. And, Anonymous, while I will not presume that you too reside in New York, I suspect you do know that the city is expensive like woah.

So my expert advice? Continue to stay with this family. As long as possible. And then maybe get a shirt that says this: